Are you a nice person?  I’m sure you are.  But have you every felt that your ‘niceness’ has caused you to stumble in your career?

One of the problems and challenges women face at the marco level, is that in general, many women have been raised to be liked. They are taught to avoid making waves, to fit in, to smooth things out in relationships, and to “be nice.”  “Being nice” can be a way women hold themselves back from achieving their full potential — It’s about unique mistakes women make at work and in their professional lives.

Here are some ‘nice’ behaviours that can mess with your career:

Believe others know more than you. An example, from my own experience, was in preparing a detailed strategy report and presenting to a manager whose opinion I valued and I felt ‘knew more’, had greater experience and greater talent. To my disappointment he tore it apart and then edited and presented as his own work deleting my recommendations. I confess my confidence was knocked. Ironically the Board came back with question around the very recommendations that had been deleted from my original report. So why didn’t believe in myself. Unlike men, we tend to admit when we don’t know something but still fail to trust our own abilities when we do.

Instead:

• Before making this assumption ask some questions, “what makes you think that?” or “why are your making those recommendations?” In this way you are checking their expertise, but more importantly you become more confident.
• Develop your own set of standards for some tasks so you can evaluate your own performance.
• Judge for yourself how well you have done on a particular project

Self -trust is the secret of success.  (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Communicate in a round about way. Although many men do this also, women often communicate indirectly, hinting at the point instead of direct speech.  It may be intended as a way of being caring and sustaining a relationship. For example, “Do you think you would have time to locate the Smith file, when you get a moment, please?” And although indirectness is not a weakness, it may be seen as such. Instead – Give your opinion; make your statement in clear terms without qualifiers.

Helping. I like to help people especially when in difficulties. I remember, when a role as a senior manager I found myself helping out my team to meet a deadline by making key and coffee for my project team and taking messages! I was helping not leading. Women are taught early in their lives that others know more than they did, their knowledge and self-confidence is externally referenced. Helping others is one way women gain external validation for their worth. Perhaps, that’s why so many women go into helping fields. So if you are busy doing stuff, making the tea and photocopying, then you don’t have time to provide the vision, guidance and direction your team requires. You are not making the transition from being a ‘doer’  to becoming a leader.

Instead:

Read what John Kotter, the well renowned Harvard Professor,  has to say on leadership. Make a distinction between helping and being eased. You are helping if you provide resources and support, but if you’re working harder than the rest your team I suspect you’ll been used. And to develop your own self awareness ask yourself if your help you because you think you will be liked for it or because of something you really want to need to do. Read more about John Kotter in this article.

Apologising unnecessarily. This is a social construct and more about respect and politeness women. However, when women apologise (“Sorry, I didn’t return your call…”) men can see this as a sign of deference or weakness…he has heard that you have made a mistake or done something wrong to warrant the apology. Further, being in this habit and apologising for every apparent error affects our confidence and the confidence others have in us. Instead: When you make a mistake worth apologising for do so, just once then move on to problem-solving mode. Begin from a place of equality regardless of the other person’s position and don’t apologise to be liked!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 16th, 2009 at 5:28 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.